Food is the Greatest Offense
by No Sleep Until Vacation
Summary: Some guy thought it would be right to lecture Mario's former and recent enemies. However, he didn't know who he was dealing with.


**A/N: Food fights are fun. Who's the weirdo that said food fights aren't allowed in most places?**

**Disclaimer: If I owned Mario, you'd see stuff like this happening in the actual games.**

**Food is the Greatest Offense**

Many of the enemies that the Mario brothers had faced in their time as heroes were seated in a huge room. Even Luigi was there, due to having been Mr. L. The room itself had several cafeteria tables. Some banquet tables were against the walls.

An extremely serious human paced in front of all the assembled enemies. He had forced them all to come to the area, disguising it as a banquet. Indeed, it would be a banquet, but first, the enemies had to listen to the man admonish them repeatedly for their actions in the past. Even the reformed enemies had to sit through whole thing.

"Everyone, I am extremely disappointed in all of you," the man said. "You knew that what you doing was wrong, but you did it anyway."

"I'm the king, and I can do whatever I wanna do!" Bowser protested.

"You are abusing your power!" the man declared. "What do you have to say for yourself?"

"All I have to say is...SHUT UP!" Bowser yelled.

"Don't tell me to shut up!" the man roared. "I am--"

"Less powerful than Papa!" Bowser Jr. interrupted.

"That's my boy!" Bowser cheered, hugging his youngest son.

"Daddykins, this is boring!" Wendy O. Koopa protested, grabbing onto Bowser. "I wanna go home!"

"Me too!" Mimi whined. "I didn't wanna spend my day getting yelled at by a big meanie!"

The spoiled Koopaling and the cute shapeshifter burst into tears, and their crying soon infuriated the man.

"If you two had been nice, you wouldn't have had to come here!" the man explained.

Wendy and Mimi cried harder.

"Oh, now look at what's 'appened!" O'Chunks yelled. "Yeh made two young lasses cry!"

"And you call yourself a hero," Bowser added.

"I didn't make them cry," the man retorted. "They chose to cry."

"I can see why!" Francis shouted, starting to cry. "You're making me miss the big fight at the Glitz Pit!"

"No, he isn't," Rawk Hawk stated. He was sitting at a table with all the other wrestlers from Glitzville. "But he still deserves to get RAAAAWKED for forcing us to come here!"

"You're here because you've hurt Mario before!" the man yelled.

"We're wrestlers!" Flare protested. "What are we supposed to do, improve our penmanship and write our way to victory?"

"I'd rather you did that!" the man said. "But first, get me some fruit punch!"

"Okay, we will!" Roy Koopa declared.

With that, Roy, Bowser, Rawk Hawk, and O'Chunks walked up to the man. They all punched him at the same time, sending him flying into a wall.

"What the--" the man began. "I asked for fruit punch, not to be punched!"

"Fruit punch?" Roy asked. "We thought you said Brute Punch!"

Bowser and O'Chunks began laughing.

"That's not funny!" the man complained.

Rawk Hawk noticed that the man was slouching.

"Don't slouch, you grouch!" the wrestler demanded.

O'Chunks and Bowser laughed even harder than before.

"I can't believe you people would do this to me!" the man cried.

That did it.

Now, everyone in the room (except the man) was laughing, some of them falling on the floor and laughing. Bowser and O'Chunks were now screaming with laughter.

A window actually cracked due to the extremely loud laughter in the room.

"How was that funny?" the man demanded.

"Um, yeah, we're villains, 'k?" Nastasia began, adjusting her glasses. "So, um, yeah, we're villains, but you said you couldn't believe what we were doing and, um...yeah."

"I could do without you saying 'um, yeah' so much!" the man shouted.

"That's how Nassy talks!" Mimi protested. "Take it or leave it!"

Suddenly, a beeping noise filled the air.

"Oh, my dry cleaning's done!" the man cried. "I'll be back in about ten minutes! But don't any of you think about escaping! I know where you live!"

The man left the building so he could pick up his dry cleaning. There stood the enemies, slightly confused.

"What should we do now?" a Bullet Bill asked.

Fawful decided to answer that question for him. He grabbed some cornbread and threw it at a random X-Naut.

"THE FOOD IS FIGHTING!" Fawful declared. "Open your eyes and look at yourself, as you squirm like an agitated worm that has fury!"

"What you say!!" Francis demanded, throwing an unidentified flying sugar cookie at Fawful.

Both the nerd and the minion found themselves being pelted by chocolate-covered raisins soon afterward. The raisins were thrown by the X-Naut that Fawful had thrown the cornbread at.

That X-Naut soon got pied in the face by Bowser.

The Koopa King's victory didn't last long, though. Soon, he found that O'Chunks was throwing popcorn at him.

"Nice try!" Bowser arrogantly remarked. "But you're gonna need more than popcorn if you wanna beat me...Dodontasu!"

"Call me by my real name, will yeh?!" O'Chunks roared, throwing a cherry pie at Bowser. One thing led to another, and soon enough, nearly everyone in the room was participating in the huge food fight. Snacks soared, frozen treats flew, drinks drenched people with their awesome liquid-ness, and the rest of the foods found their way to either the floor or someone else.

Meanwhile, Blumiere and Timpani (she had to come since she was married to one of Mario's former enemies) were sitting at their table. The whole concept of food fighting was new to them.

Mimi suddenly jumped onto their table.

"Come on, guys! Join the party!" Mimi encouraged, and a muffin clocked her in the back of the head seconds later, causing her to fall into Timpani's lap. "I'm okay!"

The couple shrugged, deciding that they would probably get hit by food anyway. They got up and headed into the fray, as did Mimi.

So all was well for the enemies in the land of the food fighting. However, after several minutes, the man returned, and was promptly hit by food.

"What is going on here?!" he demanded.

After that, the room fell silent. Everyone turned to look at the man.

"What's it look like?" a Shy Guy asked.

"I knew this would happen!" the man roared. "You people are sick, twisted, inexcusable demons! All of you deserve to die and--"

"YEE-HAW!"

Speedy, an extremely hyper Paratroopa, used some sausages as a lasso and tied up the man. After that, Fawful, a Boo, a Fly Guy, and a Goomba (wielding mustard, ketchup, honey, and chocolate syrup, respectively) stood in front of the man, pointing their respective condiments at him.

"Oh no! I'm being held at condiment-point!" the man cried. "Shoot me if you have to, but don't take my dry cleaning!"

"We don't want your dry cleaning..." the Boo began. "You inexcusable demon!"

They fired their condiments at the man, making for an extremely disgusting combination that's worse than fries and milkshakes. Now, everyone was throwing stuff at the man.

"NERD POWER!" Francis shouted, shaking a can of soda and firing the contents at the man.

"I HAVE FURY!" Fawful added, throwing sandwiches at the man.

"Mimimimimimimi!" Mimi cried, throwing dinner rolls.

After a while, the man was coated in foods and drinks of all sorts.

"You...people...are...sick!" the man protested.

"What are you talking about?" Larry Koopa asked. "I've never felt better!"

"You'd better apologize!" the man threatened.

Soon enough, the man found himself surrounded by O'Chunks, Rawk Hawk, Bowser, and Roy.

"We ain't got no apology soda," Roy stated. "How about some Brute Punch instead?"

Bowser and O'Chunks remembered how funny that joke was and were now trying to stifle their laughter.

"You wanna know what goes great with Brute Punch?" Rawk Hawk asked. "RAAAAWK candy!"

With that, the four muscular guys drew their fists back and...

"RUFF RUFF!"

Everyone looked at Francis's pet Chain Chomp, who was barking loudly. Francis was the only one who could understand what this Chain Chomp was saying, so he often had to translate for everyone else.

"Thirteen says he wants to chase this mean guy around!" Francis explained.

"Who, me?" the man asked.

Thirteen moved over to the man and started growling and barking like crazy.

"He said, 'Yeah, you! I wanna chase you around, you bossy and low-technical son of a biscuit!'" Francis declared. "Now, Thirteen, go chase this man around until you start to get tired, then come back to Fort Francis, okay?"

Thirteen barked his approval and then chased the man out of the building.

"...You named your pet Chain Chomp 'Thirteen'?" an X-Naut asked.

"Yep!" Francis confirmed. "It's short for 'Thirteen-thirty-seven'!"

"Okay...let's go home!" Bowser suggested.

He quickly leaned over, looking at O'Chunks.

"And why don't we get some Brute Punch?" the dragon Koopa added.

"I can see that my joke's become really popular," Roy said.

"Aye, it was a good one!" O'Chunks explained.

A few minutes later, everyone went home. A few minutes after that, Mario came into the building.

"Mamma mia!" Mario cried, surveying his surroundings. "Somebody forgot their coffee!"

A cup of coffee rested on a table, and Speedy soon rushed over to it.

"MINE!" the Paratroopa yelled, rushing away with the coffee.

Mario just shrugged and went home.

**A/N: I know "Nerd Power" isn't Francis's catchphrase, but I also know that he has a pet Chain Chomp. Well anyway, I hope you liked this extremely random oneshot that I wrote to prove that I'm not dead!**


End file.
